Remember that time BERT scoffed at Ohio State’s schedule and claimed he had to play eight ranked teams in a row? Well, not only was it not true then (you have a tough tilt against Tennessee Martin in there, BERT) but it’s definitely a laugher now. Between Arky dick-tripping at War Memorial Stadium against the vaunted Toledo Rockets of the MAC and LSU Aubarn (Ed: thanks Jared Churchill for the catch) needing overtime to beat FCS powerhouse Jacksonville State, it was a bad week for the SEC West. Then again, the B1G East doesn’t have much to crow about either, with MSU’s win coming amidst epic collapses by Maryland and Rutgers. Maybe Delaney kept the receipt for those two? Or is the ACC like Walmart and they’ll just take anything back without a receipt because no one there is paid enough to give a damn? Either way, caveat emptor, Jimbo.  MACtion is magic!

1. Oregon at MSU (-3.5) Pick: Ducks win, unless Adams doesn’t play. Result: Adams played, Ducks lost. I would’ve had this one dead to rights if Adams had hit the wiiiiiiiide open receiver down the sidelines for the TD. Figures that would be his one truly bad overthrow of the night. Oregon…1,342,356 uniform combos and zero national titles. The streak continues.

2. Army at UConn (-7.5) Pick: UConn wins and covers. Result: UConn wins, fails to cover on busted-tackled TD rumble on an Army…pass play? Who could’ve predicted that? I’m not Nostradamus, people.

3. LSU (-3) at Mississippi State. Pick: Tigers win and cover. Result: Tigers won, didn’t cover. How do you not cover a 3-point line? How does Les Miles do anything he does and keep his job? The man eats grass and moonlights on satellite radio. Oh, and he hasn’t recruited a QB in roughly a decade. Yet here he is, making eleventy bajillion times more than I do. I’m eccentric and opinionated and can’t recruit QBs. Where’s my payday? Thanks, Obungler.

4. Hawaii at Ohio State (-38) Pick: OSU wins, covers. Result: OSU wins, pushes. The least impressive 38-0 win in history. Urban Meyer is me at a dessert table. Can’t choose one good thing, so instead tries everything and ends up with diabetes.

5. Oregon State at Michigan (-15) Pick: Mitten weasels win and cover. Result: Mitten weasels win, cover. You know it’s a sad day in Ann Arbor when a victory over Oregon State is a big deal. Consider for a moment the beautiful symmetry of O. State and Michigan playing the JV version of Oregon at MSU. Karma, thou art a humorist.

6. Georgia (-21) at Vanderbilt. Pick: Bulldogs win but don’t cover. Result: Bulldogs barely win, don’t cover. Guys…it’s Mark Richt. Why would anyone EVER give Mark Richt 21 points? His dick has shoe-prints on it.

7. Wisconsin (-31) Pick: Badgers/Badgers. Result: Badgers/Badgers. Come on. This was too easy.

8. Notre Dame (-11.5) at Virginia. Pick: Irish win and cover. Result: Irish win, don’t cover, lose the season with Malik Zaire’s broken ankle. It’s a shame to see a player get hurt like that. Notre Dame’s season once again falls apart. Remember how I said Brian Kelly is a strung-out gambler who’s sure this is the bet that turns it all around? Well, this is why loan sharks and mafia bookmakers know how much force it takes to remove a fingernail.

9. Penn State (-17) hosting Buffalo. Pick: PSU wins, doesn’t cover. Result: PSU wins, doesn’t cover, PSU fans slide even deeper into crippling depression. On the plus side, Hackenberg still had clean spots on his white pants after this game, which is a massive improvement. These are dire times indeed when laundry is the determining factor of offensive improvement.

10. Choke-lahoma at Rocky Flop (-1). Pick: Boomer Sooner wins in the upset. Result: BOOMER SOONER. Of course Rocky Flop would piss away a 17-point lead to lose this in overtime. Have you not seen the last 15 years of Tennessee football? Peyton Manning is a fine high-water mark for a program. It’s like the American auto industry…just accept that the ’90s were the best of times and that nothing will ever be that good again.

Straight up: 9 correct out of 10. 

Against the spread: 5 correct out of 9 (one push).

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About The Author

Rob Paulsen. Old Grad staying young, staying hip to the fresh jive. Hating Navy around the clock. O-H. I-O.